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New Year Resolutions

I have never set resolutions ever. I mean just look at most people, they have a list of what they intend to achieve for the rest of the year but when the next year rolls in, most of the darn time they rarely even get around to fufiling what they had set out to do in the beginning of January. Take for example say, say one day Xiufang swears to cut down on chocolate. *Ahem* It would never materalize.

Most of them say they will do this and that but
what they failed to realize is that action speaks louder than words/thoughts. This time round, the cynic in me would make an exception since this year would be significant. My last few months before going bald. Let me come up with some realistic and feasible ones...*Drum rolls*

1) Save $ when inside

Yes, the pay is pathetic. But I would want to save as much as possible. Main reason is I would want to retake driving again. I guess it will have an effect when you are paying from your own pocket. Because I didn't really gave a crap when I was learning as my dad was the one footing the bill. I was like "Fail fail lor, not my $ mah". This time I would be serious and not screw up again. Really.

2) Be at least half fit before going in

My friends serving now think I stand a good chance being a sargent, officer etc etc. I take them as being joking or something. Truth be told, I don't give a crap about being a high ranked army boy. Glory and Honour and all that bullcrap does not have an effect on me. Didn't they know that SAF stands for Serve and Fuck Off? Being an officer means more years of reservist in the future. But if I am chosen, then so be it. I am not particularly bothered. 2 years is still a tad lengthy to be honest. But one thing for sure is that I do not want to struggle inside. Thus, I got to improve on my pathetic pull ups and my stamina.

3) Gain a little weight

I blame my high metabolism and genes. My parents ain't fat (maybe not my father with that beer belly of his...HAHAHA), my siblings also. No matter how much I eat, I won't gain weight. Sometimes I wonder if my weighting scale has a problem but my weight stays at the same number always. Roughly around 56-57 and my BMI is around 20. Girls would probably envy people like me but I dislike it. I need to break the 60kg barrier.

4) Less moody and negative

Most of the time, I feel that way. In fact, I had been like this since my father despised me when I flunk my Os. I had never really got through it. It probably moulded me into what I am now. Quiet, boring and lacking in confidence. Every morning I look in the mirror, I see a hideous face staring back. Every morning I see ugly Singaporeans that pisses me off. I am not liking what I study. I am worried about my father. I am worried about my future. I am worried about what people think about me. Arrgh, I think I am too bloody paranoid at times.

Most people probably notice that I frown and rarely smile most of the time. It's like PMS every day. Honestly, I can't find a lot of things to get joyful about. I dislike being me and I dislik
e the life I lead. But how come it be? When you hear me crack lame jokes and talk so much cock? Hmm, the lame crapper side of me is just an alter ego perhaps. To get away from the real me. You see, people dislike being with negative people. So all that is just a smokescreen perhaps. It's just like a comedian, when he steps down the stage, do you expect him to tell a joke every other time also? Of course not.

I need to be more positive and see the lighter side of life before I really drown into depression again.

5) Overhaul my wardrobe

From young and until last year, all the clothes I wore were all bought by my mum. It's not a bad thing if her taste is good but more often it's not. She prefers cheap T shirts and casual polo tees. The warerobe is full of them and I dislike 3/4 of it because either the colors are awful or I had overgrown them. I need more variety and better quality ones. I told her that next time she wants to buy clothes for me, I'd go with her. Otherwise, I will now buy them myself. So the lesson here is never let your mother decide what would look good on you.

6) Grow some frigging balls

Everyone tells me to go for it, give it a try. And I only laugh at that and continue to hide inside the tortoise shell. I think this disease is called running away from the truth. If I am that girl, I would be pissed with the bloody wishy washy attitude. My gut feeling is that she roughly knows that I fancy her. But why am I not taking the initiative? Maybe it's because I had never felt desperate to get attached. I never did had a girlfriend so maybe I got used to it. I never did had an urge to be intimate with the opposite sex. Yea right, you must be wondering what a load of rubbish excuses. Everyone have urges.

Seriously, the reason why is a four letter word starting with F(no, not THAT one), F-E-A-R. This small word has crippled me in many ways for many months now. How you say?

-Fear of being not good enough. I am not someone desireable from a girl's point of view. I can understand why. I am neither tall, good looking, filthy rich nor one who know how to sweet talk people. Why would anyone ever take an interest in someone like me?

- Fear of rejection. It would be a hard pill to swallow if I'd asked and got a negative reply. So if I never open my mouth, there will be this false illusion that I am not rejected. Hurray! Yeah, I love to lie to myself.

- Fear of being laughed at. This is the reason why I don't want people to know. But I guess I don't keep it well. After a few friends saw through me, I revealed to a few more and told them to keep it private. If I had told everyone else, they would probably laugh like there's no tommorow. Another reason is if I didn't told them to shut up, they would had told her which would had made it looked like I'm a wuss(which I am anyway) in her eyes.

- Fear of being dumped into "Friends Only" category.

So you see, there's more risks and more chances to get embarassed. Why bother? I'd rather stay at the same place and look from afar.

But after so many months, it gets a little annoying that I keep something inside for so long. Actually I had always thought of ways to ask her out, but in the end, I usually do not execute my plans. But I did tried once before. Kinda lame now that I recalled it. It was like I got two movie vouchers then I called and asked nicely if she would be available to go out with me because I was stressed out from working and the excuse was I'd tried asking two of my other friends(A and B) and they were not free. She said no as I expected as there's a birthday party she had to attend. I was furious because I thought she was cooking up an excuse to brush me off. But I later asked around and realized she was telling the truth.

But what she didn't knew was I asked A to lie to her that I got called A before I called her. Because I figured she would call the friends I had mentioned to confirm. Later, A told me that she indeed called her to enquire if I got ask A out. OMG, I have sixth sense. Of course my friend repeated the lies I instructed to her. My friend was disappointed at my indirect way and wondered why I must be like that. I felt horrible for being dishonest.

This new year, I'm sick of being a coward. No more lies, half hearted attempts and no more hiding behind the curtains. I tired of being paralyzed by this anymore. I don't want to live by with regrets, it's time to face the music and stare fear straight in the eye. Before I lose the opportunity.

The Author

About me

Who am I?
You can call me Jul

What I do?
Full Time Underpaid and Reluctant NSF/Part Time Weekend Footballer

What I think about me?
I don't know what to write here honestly. Kinda weird to describe myself. I don't want to sound full of myself or put myself down too much like I usually do...so hey, if you think I am what you think I am, then I am really what you think I am then...I'm fine either way...

My profile
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