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Sick and tired of bloody programming...

Literally and figuratively speaking. Last Friday started with a mild cough and now it just gets worst. The feeling's like if I try hard enough, my lungs would get coughed out anytime now seriously. Whenever I try to smile, I would let out a loud cough first. Seems like the daily two spoonful of pi pa gao ain't doing wonders. Puked out my dinner when I coughed just now. That was damn shiok as I feel slightly better now. But still the coughing won't stop and everyone at home can't stand it. Looks likely I will be visiting the doc tomorrow and be more behind in my work. Hurray!

Unlike the typical FYP attachment where you can bring your project home, mine can only be done at the workplace. This is positive and negative. Positive because you don't have to see those damn lines and lines of nonsense at home. Negative because for someone like me who is awful in programming, I won't mind spending my own sweet time at home after work/weekends and try to find some solutions and catch up on lost time. But I can't.

To be truthful, when I realized what I was going to do. I sort of r
egretted going out. But well, staying at school won't be any different anyway as I don't think I would do as much as what I am doing now. One of the reasons why I wanted to go out was to see if the IT industry I had in mind was real. It pretty much matches what I thought but working at a government linked company is at least slightly better. If I was good in it, public sector would be the way to go. Doing VB and other stuffs wasn't what I had in mind honestly as I only have some knowledge of VB.net. I would had preferred doing something like my friend's who run around the island fixing up systems etc etc. No programming at all. Actually, I chose that before this. But dropped out after finding that have to work 6 days week and lots of programming. Bleh, kinda ironic now I think of it. I remembered my supervisor said it's good to do something you are weak and really hate in because you would be forced to conquer your fear in it and like it a little better.

But that is definitely not true in my case. I still HATE it and do badly at programming and have no enthusiasm nor motivation in doing them. In short, programming just makes me sleepy and bored. Every morning when I wake up, it's a drag (actually for the past 2.5 years, it has been like that) because no matter how I tell myself to be positive and look forward to do what I dislike when I wake up, my mood just drops back in the afternoons b
ecause most of the time, I have no clue what those lines mean and what am I supposed to type, even after looking at code syntax and getting some hints. I'm just like a lost sheep whereas the others just seem to know what they are doing and kind of enjoy it. To me, I just have this painful and helplessness feeling inside. But oh well, two months had already gone and I'm still here struggling.

While the other 2 of my colleagues have pretty much finished their part, I am only about 90+% done. The system is about to be deployed for use soon and I really do not think that I can finish the last part dealing with zipping and unzipping files, which is the most pain in the arse task. And oh, I still have to do those tedious documentation after that. I just have this feeling that I'm so near yet so far. It's like I'm in a fog and can't see the finishing line, One of my colleague is like so free. Well, maybe the thing he was assigned to do after he came back from a month of net surfing at the other department, was easy or he pick up things fast. I think it's a combination of both. He and the other colleague of mine is doing the same part whereas I'm doing a completely different one.

The only saving grace about this as compared to what my friends had gone through is we here actually have some help available. There's 2 contract based and 1 permenant female colleagues doing the same system with us. The programming idiot in me usually seek help from the one sitting beside. Most of the time, she would be frustrated when I ask her to explain it a few more times before I get it. I am very slow with all these thus anyone teaching me would have to be patient. I don't blame them for being pissed at times because I admit that I am, and will NEVER be good in it. Even after 3 sems of Java crap, I scored the same rubbish grade to scrape through. So that says a lot about my ability. I don't like to ask or bother people actually. It makes me look stupid but when it comes to programming, I really have no choice but to open my mouth. But I really hate it when she says that I am sleeping or still haven't woke up. Though I might look uninterested and speak in a monotonous tone when asking, I am listening hard inside and trying to digest and understand what was being said by you. You can't fault me for looking bored. Try as I might, lines and lines of code hardly can get me in an excited mode.

If I said I don't worry or think about my project, that would an outright lie. I don't really care how I complete this shit, as long as I finish it and get it out of my mind, that's all I want. I don't even mind a D grade in the end, I won't be going a local nor foreign uni anyway with that mediocre GPA of mine. I do want to further my studies but not in IT, a hat trick years is more than enough already. For me, as long as I just graduate and bugger off and waste 2 more years to the government and not do anything with IT when I come out of course.

I'm praying for a white X'mas and to finish all those bollocks before that day comes of course. Who knows maybe I won't get to see last till that day in office. I might already had got sacked for not finishing what I was required to do. Hurray!

The Author

About me

Who am I?
You can call me Jul

What I do?
Full Time Underpaid and Reluctant NSF/Part Time Weekend Footballer

What I think about me?
I don't know what to write here honestly. Kinda weird to describe myself. I don't want to sound full of myself or put myself down too much like I usually do...so hey, if you think I am what you think I am, then I am really what you think I am then...I'm fine either way...

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