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Suicidal Thoughts (Part 1)

Since some of you told me I am bo liao and write nonsense, this time there would be a change from the usual happy crappy posts and let me talk about some depressing and serious stuffs instead. Sit down and let me tell you a long story. If you give a shit, that is.

Have you ever had suicidal thoughts before? Well, would you believed if I said I am lucky to be alive still? Would you believed that someone that crappy like me suffered a bout of depression before? Would you had believed I really hated myself a lot before? Well, bet on that. All this did happened to me.


I really detest my life around when I was 17. I was in a crappy school,actually no, that wasn't my school. I never did acknowledged that as my school. When people ask me which secondary school I was from, I would proudly tell them that I was from School A. You see, my school(A) merged with two other schools(B and C) to form a big school, where majority of the students were from School C and we used School B as our campus. The best staff from the three schools were picked. First day there, we were treated like aliens. It was like we were invaders.

As the batch from my school was the smallest among the trio, there was this impression that we are not as good as the those from the other two schools. I could feel this from the teachers not originally from my school. One good example would be for one subject, my class merged with a class from School C and thaught by a teacher from School C also.

I was never that good in that subject. Around C standard. She would always arrow me and scold me as the results I got were unacceptable(though I passed) and told me to drop that subject so that it would not affect the school overall results. Not only me, some of my classmates also. But not those from School C though. She would encourage them to do better, give them extra attention toward the weaker students. Biasness at it's best.

I dreaded waking up and going to school at that period. I vowed to do well for my Os and then prove those teachers that looked down on me wrong. I studied hard for it. In the end, I did got pretty good results for everything. But I flunked my Math and Science. L1R4 21. I was just shellshocked when I got the result slip from my form teacher. It felt like the world collapsed.

Not to sound arrogant or what, I thought of myself as an alright student in a class of lazy arses, blurcocks, Beng wannabes, how the hell did I fucking failed it while a few of the undeserving classmates of mine managed to got to poly? That really made me pissed off and furious. Though some of my friends accepted their fate and went to ITE, I did not as I thought if I went there, it would be as if the teachers succeeded and I was really what they thought
I am. One rubbish student.

I love my honest father.

I did not went home until at night. I locked myself in my room and slee
p. I did not had the guts to told them I failed. Not to my mum when she asked. It was not until my dad unlocked the room and asked me that I come clean. He was of course angry and he scolded me. I will NEVER forget what he said.

"I knew it all along. You were never good nor could you even pass a simple exam. You disappoint me as usual. You are one bloody useless idiot. Even your sister did better than you. Aren't you ashamed? Aiyah don't study liao lah, drop out and go be a sweeper better. Waste my money to support you to study, you lousy and stupid one lah. Don't waste any more time and enlist for army now and then come out work better instead "

What the hell? I mean my sister did not even got BETTER results than me. Just barely scraped through. I could understand his disappointment, but when he labelled me as stupid and useless, I could not take it anymore. I shot back and told him to screw himself. Since then, whenever he got home and saw me, he would repeat the same thing to me.

I really felt irritated and even nearly punched him to shut him up. But I did not, he's my father after all. But then, you would had expect your parents to support you in bad times. Not him, he only rub more salt into my wounds. My mother was more understanding though.

That was one of my lowest point in my life. I just did not eat much nor did anything but sleep the whole time. I didn't even barely spoke much to my family. I just wanted to be alone and drown myself in the sea of depression. I thought that if my own dad thought that I was one disappointing piece of shit, I might as well grant his wish and end it all. I thought of going to the highest level of one nearby HDB block to jump down. I swear this is 100% true.

I sneaked out one night and then went to the block. Took the lift to the 25th floor and got to the staircase and then lifted my leg over the barricade. I looked down. It was windy and I thought wow, what a way to end my miserable life. But then my plan was interrupted when a disabled old man came out to empty the rubbish and shouted at me. I quickly ran down the stairs instead.

I went home and didn't told anyone what happened. I thought that if that man could lived on despite his disabilities, why can't I do it too? That was when I woke up from the nightmare and erase all negative thoughts and told my mum that I was going to retake my Os. I wanted to prove my dad wrong.

I was thinking of dying just because I failed? Looking back now, it was really laughable and stupid. I really had to thank that man. If no one had saw me, I would not be writing this now)


nice blog nice written passage i seriously think that few ppl in our class can achieve ur standard of writting. Sad things happen all e times it really depends on hw u r going to take it i "seriously" think that suicide is stupid. btw, to all those peeps out there whu says ur blog is full of cock, i would say they dun appreciate what you are writing. as a friend i would say ur blog is really funny and informative in some sense keep up e gd work n hopefully dun gt depress by wat ppl say bt ur blog n continue blogging.

You know something? You are the first one to leave a comment on my blog post. The others prefer to talk in the tagboard.

Wah, I thought no one would bother to read about all the boring long crap I write, you actually do. I feel so grateful. HAHAHAHA....

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The Author

About me

Who am I?
You can call me Jul

What I do?
Full Time Underpaid and Reluctant NSF/Part Time Weekend Footballer

What I think about me?
I don't know what to write here honestly. Kinda weird to describe myself. I don't want to sound full of myself or put myself down too much like I usually do...so hey, if you think I am what you think I am, then I am really what you think I am then...I'm fine either way...

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