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I am a wimp

There I said it. You can call me that too and I would not be angry with you one bit but nod along instead. All along, I am a disappointment and today further proves my point.

I arranged to meet up with my friend after work to get the reference material I needed. When I greeted her, she sounded excited. Shit, was there a spinach stuck between my teeth or did I forgot to zip up? Nah, she told me she saw that someone along with her good gal pal around the area.

She urged me to seize the unplanned
opportunity knocking on my door and finally do something that I had wanted to do for a long while. She said I should take action when she waits for the bus alone. That sounds good on theory to me.

Actually before this, I had indirectly tried to find out if there was a chance I could somehow meet up with that someone and finally pop the question. I thought it was a good plan but a negative reply from her spoilt what I had in mind. I felt a little helpless as the deadline was looming. If all else fails, I guess the last rabbit from the hat would be to go down to her place and speak my mind. That was what I thought I would do. But in the end, I guess it's yet another one of my NATO (No Action Think Only) plans.

I sat down there and thought of what to say later while they were either eating or talking. There was a sense of anixety and eagerness inside me. I could finally remove that doubt hanging in my mind for all this while. But from what I picked up from their conversation when she said she might be working on the weekends, I felt demoralised.

The clearest sign that fate was playing games with me was when they decided on the mode of transport. I felt dazed when riding up the elevator. I think I must had
looked like an idiot to them. In my mind, I thought that I should be better off at home lying on the bed now instead of being there.

I think I was still in confused mode when walking to the s
tation. She stood there and looked at me with a surprised look and a "WTF is happening" smile. I did not say anything and waved a weak goodbye to her. Wow, what a surprise. I chickened out again.

The longest bus ride home

"Why did not you ask her there? The two of us already created chance for you"

Errr..but she wasn't really alone. I dun dare to ask in front of others.

"Anyway the two of us know what, scared what?"

I would feel more nervous mah. No way,man.
These two free tickets for you. No use to me now.

"Ohhh, now I get it. This is your chosen place to bring her to? That is a bad choice"

But I think it is a good place to have fun what.

"She went there with cheerleader for their first date lah. Not good to remind her of the sad past."

How do I know? You should had told me earlier. But anyway, thanks for telling me, I felt better now that I didn't ask.

"Then what about now you go back and ask her? I think they haven't board the train"

Don't be stupid lah. Never mind liao. Forget it then.

She told me to cheer up and not feel sad. I would had been lying if I said I wasn't pissed with myself. I felt a wave of regret inside me also. I mean, I got so many weeks and a few chances to ask but the whole time, I was a sissy and did not dare to open my mouth. I only left it till the last minute to do it. But now it seems like I was too slow and unlucky.

I felt miserable and stared out the window the whole journey. Loud angry songs were what I heard from my Pod while I thought of all the things that had happened if I had more guts. I let myself down again. It was all my fault. No one else. When I got home, I went for a shower and then sat on the cold floor and pondered it over again. The more I thought of it, the more I hated myself for lacking self confidence.

So it's yet another lonely Saturday at home. as usual. I dread it but I have no one to blame but myself. Sigh. I just wish I had some sleeping pills so that I would fall into a deep sleep now. At least it wouldn't hurt as much. Not as much as staring at the tickets
on the table being probably wasted and not used.

UPDATE: I did went out today and used up the tickets after all. Two big children playing alongside a lot of children on their special day.
But not with that someone. She was busy after all I heard. Enjoyed myself quite a bit even though my companion was screaming everytime and afraid of this and that and almost EVERYTHING there. But gotta thank her for accompanying me, or else I will be darn bored at home. And yes, the legendary laksa is as good as they hyped out to be, unlike say that bloody overrated Lana Chocolate Cake

The Author

About me

Who am I?
You can call me Jul

What I do?
Full Time Underpaid and Reluctant NSF/Part Time Weekend Footballer

What I think about me?
I don't know what to write here honestly. Kinda weird to describe myself. I don't want to sound full of myself or put myself down too much like I usually do...so hey, if you think I am what you think I am, then I am really what you think I am then...I'm fine either way...

My profile
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